The Rev. Doug Van Doren, pastor of Plymouth United Church of Christ in Grand Rapids
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A year ago this week, Rabbi David Krishef's first Ethics and Religion Talk column got posted to MLive and published in The Grand Rapids Press. In the past 12 months, the rabbi and his panel of clergy have opined on abortion and gun control and beer and fancy cars and more than 40 other topics.
This week, on the anniversary of the column's launch, Krishef writes about the nature of Ethics and Religion Talk as he shares his views on one of the most-popular topics so far — sex before marriage.
What topics would you like to see the panel of clergy talk about in the next 12 months? Click here to review the index of columns from the past year, and share in the comments below a fresh topic for the coming months.
Here's a list of five of the more hotly-debated topics so far:
Perspectives on same-sex relationships
Is Sex Offender Registry evil gossip or public safety?
Should a political candidate's faith affect your vote?
Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?
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Ethics and Religion Talk, by Rabbi David Krishef
In our recent column on premarital sexuality, several readers wondered why I did not personally respond to the question. The simple answer is that four of our panelists responded, and there was no room to add a fifth voice.
Because I think it is an interesting and relevant question, here is my somewhat lengthy response. Also, I am using this column to raise some questions about what it means to answer ethical questions from a religious perspective.
The question - "can you explain why premarital sex is or is not ethical?" - assumes that the answer is black and white. Either sex outside of marriage is ethical or is not ethical - there is nothing in between. As several readers pointed out in the comments, however, there is a vast difference between a casual hookup for a night after meeting in a bar, and the relationship between an engaged couple living together in the months before their wedding. I'll try to address both situations.
RELATED: Sex before marriage: Ethics and Religion Talk
First of all, let’s keep in mind that the institution of marriage has a history. Wedding rings and vows and the marriage canopy and the seven wedding blessings (a Jewish custom) were not revealed by God, not in the garden of Eden, and not at Mount Sinai. Enough with the silly, snarky comments accusing me condemning Adam and Eve, Noah and his wife (her name? Joan of Ark, of course!), Abraham and Sarah and all other Biblical couples to hell for promiscuous non-married sex. First-century Rabbinic Judaism began to formally identify the elements of a wedding ceremony. One of the options for betrothal was for a couple to have sex. This was quickly identified as not being a preferable way to “get married,” but I think it points to a major assumption in early Jewish life - that if a couple began living together and having intimate relations, they were assumed to be married. The Bible spoke of cultic sex and also of prostitutes with less than favor. This kind of sexual activity continued to be frowned upon by Rabbinic Judaism.
Jumping to 21st-century Judaism, the party line of traditional Judaism is that sexuality belongs in a marital context. If the answer stopped here, then we would by force have to condemn both the casual hookup and the committed not-yet-married relationship. To do that, however, would make religious sexual ethics virtually irrelevant to a large percentage of the segment of the public who affiliate with a religious tradition, to say nothing about those who do not identify with a religious tradition. The fact is that there is a wide disconnect between the ideal of sex only within marriage and the reality of sexual behavior. In 19 years, I can only recall officiating at a small handful of weddings where the bride and groom didn't share an address before the wedding.
Rabbi Elliot Dorff, who wrote a position paper on sexuality for the Conservative movement of Judaism, is fond of quoting the aphorism attributed to Voltaire: "The perfect is the enemy of the good." Rabbi Dorff approaches questions of sexuality with larger questions of philosophy of religion in mind. "Is religion only permitted to have one ideal standard of behavior? Does religion cheapen or de-legitimize itself if it recognizes that there are standards of behavior that are less than ideal which are also acceptable?" He argues that the violation of one norm (the prohibition of sex outside of marriage) does not entitle an individual to ignore all others, and therefore those who engage in sexual relations outside of marriage are still obligated to live by other Jewish values. A non-marital sexual relationship should adhere to the values of honesty and fidelity, health and safety, love and holiness. Should such a couple conceive a child, they should be aware of the ethical restrictions placed on abortion, and be prepared to raise the child or give it up for adoption. Click here for a summary of Rabbi Dorff's paper.
Focusing on this principle that religious life might posit an ideal behavior but also recognize that other behaviors can also be holy, let me conclude with a question to those religious traditions that believe same-sex relationships - for those whose sexual orientation is directed solely towards a same-sex partner - are holy:
For those whose orientation is bisexual, meaning that it includes but is not limited to opposite-sex attraction, may we legitimately argue that an opposite-sex relationship is preferable?
In other words, might we argue that heterosexuality is ideal even as we hold that for those whose orientation is strictly same-sex, homosexuality is also sacred?
Ethics and Religion Talk is compiled and written by David Krishef, rabbi at Congregation Ahavas Israel in Grand Rapids. Krishef takes questions from readers and shares them with a panel of clergy, then provides the responses in collaboration with MLive.com reporter Matt Vande Bunte. The views expressed are those of the panelists and do not necessarily represent the official perspectives of their congregations or denominations. Please submit questions from your own day-to-day encounters to EthicsAndReligionTalk@gmail.com.